Most of the time when I start writing, I begin with a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about, what it is that I’m trying to say. What ends up as the final product, however, is rarely what I intended. Very often I unearth things about myself, about my thoughts and my intentions, that I had no idea were there, or, that I wasn’t yet admitting.
This happened in yesterday’s post. I found myself marveling at this shift from carefree to careful and set out to write about it. What came out of that post, however, and more to the point, out of the writing of it, was a truth that I hadn’t yet fully admitted to myself. A truth that, now that I’ve acknowledged it, simply will not be ignored.
I am afraid that I am not going to withstand the temptation of available drugs at my second job.
Last night an old acquaintance noted that I looked tired. “You want a speed pill? I’ve got Ritalin.” A short while later, a customer came in and proposed that I give him a tank of gas for a handful of Vicodin. “I won’t mention any names, but other cashiers have done it. There’s no way for anyone to find out.”
These offers aren’t unusual and the longer I work there the more common they are. The longer I work there, the harder they are to ignore.
I wonder if this is my failing. I wonder if there is something in me, something actually visible to other addicts, that makes them ask; surely normal people don’t have drugs offered to them on a regular basis. I wonder if I should be ashamed at my weakening refusals, if I shouldn’t be past all this by now. It’s not a proud feeling, that’s for certain.
The truth, regardless of whether or not it should be, is that my sobriety is in serious jeopardy.
There’s a lot of really big question marks hovering over a lot of really important pieces of my life right now. Nothing has changed from yesterday in that regard, I still don’t have any of the answers. My life could still spiral downward and out of my control in any minute.
One thing, however, has changed. One decision has been made. At the end of the day, no matter what else happens and what people have to say about it, nothing is more important than my sobriety. Addiction is not being uncomfortable, it’s not poverty, it’s not just stress. Addiction is death, and only I can protect myself from that kind of death.
I am quitting my second job.