desperately seeking silence!


Don’t act like it isn’t sometimes too much for you, too. I’m so tired of disingenuity. If you’re alive; if you’re breathing and you’re caring then it’s sometimes too much for you, too! I mean, don’t you ever just want your head to Shut. The. Eff. Up. Already?! Tick tock tick tock. Like heaven forbid some half formed idea go unexamined. What is my brain telling my own damn self that I don’t already know anyway? And how many more times can I think through the same tired thoughts, on the same worn out circle before I realize (again) that, oh yeah, I don’t know the answer.

I mean, I come here to write about something, about one thing that my mind is replaying over and over, to share it and highlight this journey of mine like I promised, and then my brain goes nuts, absolute bananas, lightbulbs flashing everywhere. I’m so damned indecisive I can’t even decide what thought process to focus on long enough to write it down. I could start taking requests. What kind of b.s. are you in the mood for today? God is so good? God is so hard? I love life, I hate living, I’m lonely, I admire my independence? Ministry is the greatest blessing I’ve ever been given? The ‘call’ is God’s great curse on the desire to live a ‘normal life’? I like men, I like women, I like sobriety, I wanna do a line, I hate my body, I love my curves, I love Vermont, I crave the concrete, kumbaya and hard f’n rock… Dude.

Don’t tell me your head doesn’t do it, too. And it’s so unbelievable ridiculous the way we smile and nod and act all in the very center of control. Have you ever thought about how ridiculous we really are? I mean… really? Why are we trying to look so in control all the time anyway? What the hell was the last thing you were ever actually in control of? Yeah. Nothin’. Just. Say. It. You got nothin’.

Doesn’t that feel better?

The truth is so annoying when I’m all wrapped up in my head like this. Seriously. It’s so annoying I don’t even want to type it. I can feel my lip curling as I think about it. Because when does it stop, when does it all just go away??

When we surrender.

I warned you. Ugh, annoying. Trite platitudes designed to keep you down, rob you of your freedom and enslave your precious independence. Well… except that it’s not. Except that it’s absolutely true that the only time I’ve ever felt free from the nauseating-endless-nonstop-rollercoaster-vegas-lightbulb-flashing mindtrap of mine is when my heart and spirit were in a place of complete surrender to God, where His will was the only way and nothing else mattered.

And I’m not there right now. I’m no where close to that kind of anxiety-free, easy street kinda livin’ right now. And I’m pissed about it. I’m pissed because I worked damn hard to get there the first time, got myself out of a lot of bad entanglements, relationships and mindsets to be able to relax with that kind of surrendered freedom. And then what’d I do? One by one my pretties, one by one.

Annoying.

What’s annoying exactly? That I’m going to have to go back through some of that stuff to get there again. What? You didn’t seriously think I was going to hang out in here in ‘every man for himself land’ did ya’? This endless brain conversation that keeps me up nights and gets me up in the morning can kiss my UV-ray colored derriere thank you very much! One doesn’t taste of the promise land and decide that the ghetto actually suited them better, trust me.

So here’s the thing. Stop acting like you don’t do it too. Stop plastering on that so-fake-even-God-is-pissed smile for everyone. Just fix it. Jump the hoops, cut the ties, wave goodbye and get it done.

Surrender dude. It’s the only way up.

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